


Levi's Recollections

by Kono10



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Anal Sex, Drama, Explicit Sexual Content, Funny, Gay, M/M, Manga & Anime, Oral Sex, Rimming, Short Chapters, Short Stories, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-13
Updated: 2019-03-15
Packaged: 2019-09-17 12:19:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 14,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16974477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kono10/pseuds/Kono10
Summary: Levi recollects some personal moments involving Erwin.





	1. No Regrets

The first time I met him, my urge to kill him was almost uncontrollable. Not because someone was paying me to. Not because he had his subordinates smash my face in dirty water. I wanted to kill him because he seemed arrogant. That tall blonde blue-eyed fucker.

Even though he pulled me out from the decaying world of the underground, clothed me, trained me, fed me, he was the reason I lost everything. He was the cause of me having my first taste of pure, putrefying despair and fear.

My friends. 

He called my friends pathetic. 

He called me crying on the ground in front of their dismembered bodies pathetic. His eyes were unsympathetic and condescending. Thinking back, perhaps I was reading them wrong, yet I almost took his head off, but he caught my blade in his bare hands.

Everything was his fault.

So, I thought. 

Truly, everything was my own fault. All my decisions led to this outcome. I could have denied that corrupt politician’s request. I could have said no to leaving the underground. I could have said no to my friends’ decisions to go on this expedition. It was all my fault. This unbearable feeling of anguish and dread was all from my own volition.

As I knelt, feeling defeated for the first time, soaking wet in the rain, the entrails of my friends, and the mysteriously evaporating blood of the titan I just slaughtered, from the top of his horse he told me not to regret any of my decisions from there on out. Nothing would come of doing that but failure. Never doubt them- it would only negate from my companions’ deaths. Take responsibility, and advance forward.

It was as if he read my mind. 

I hated him. I wanted to kill him, but I needed to follow him. If I didn’t, what would be left of me? 

“He expected me to.” His words. 

So I had to.


	2. Two of a Kind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi ponders thoughts about Kenny and Erwin.

Perhaps they were both similar in my mind. Kenny rescued me from the brink of death. And him, from the corrosive cesspool that was the underground.

Maybe I should be thankful to them instead of hating both their guts.

But now that I think about it, when I was in that room with my mother’s corpse that was starting to stink and accumulate flies, and I wasn’t far behind her, I didn’t actually care about dying. When I was scraping for bread, stealing wallets, and fucking old men out of their drinking money, I didn’t care about humanity and what was happening outside the walls.

Now I’m running up and down the capital being ordered around like a dog, and watching my comrades get eaten left and right by titans. Hellish creatures. It's a nightmare.

So did they really save me? This is what I should be thankful for?

Right.

Sometimes they muddle together in my tired thoughts. Kenny the Ripper. Devil Commander Erwin.

When I was thinking of one, I was actually trying to think of the other.

_I remember when Kenny told me….oh wait..that was Erwin…_

Ultimately, they were alike no matter how much I tried to differentiate their personalities. Both were tall men with assertive auras that took over a room whenever they entered. People respected and feared them. Both were leaders, just on different sides of the law, but both have taken many lives. It didn’t matter if it was directly or indirectly. Lives were lost under their control. Lastly, they were two crazy bastards who rescued an ungrateful brat.

Kenny gave me skills. Many of those exceptional skills I still use to this day when I’m slaying titans, leaving people wondering how I became such an unbeatable killing machine. And the rest of the skills, he can rot in hell for giving me.

I’m not sure what Erwin was giving me yet. So far it’s a damn pain in my ass.

Not literally.

One thing I was learning by then was that Kenny was too narrowminded for his own good and that made me the same way. Erwin’s mind was dimensional. He saw things that other people couldn’t, especially whatever it was beyond those massive walls.

Or was he narrowminded too because all he talked about was “the sake of humanity” this, “the fate of humanity” that. He eventually had me repeating the same crap too.

Argh. Who knows anymore. Just thinking about both of them gives me a damn headache.


	3. Sex with Erwin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi recalls the first time he had sex with Erwin.

The first time he touched me was the first time someone ever fucked me, and it didn’t feel so dirty.

Even though he did gross things.

I was getting used to him. His commands. His actions. The complex way he made his decisions and everyone’s willingness to follow them, including his subordinates beating the crap out of me when I disregarded one of his commands. That damn Mike hit hard.

I still hated him, but I was starting to see other admirable qualities about him as well.

I could see how he became a commander. His words were aspiring. He could persuade- more like manipulate- any terrified soldier to go out and die with pride or checkmate any higher up to give in to his plans. His battlecry was a powerful declaration of war that welded up from the pit of his stomach and matched that to the horrifying roar of any titan. He was strong, not so much physically as so strategically.

I was faster. Faster than any of them, especially him. Yet that didn’t amount to jackshit because he was always one step ahead of me. He was such a brilliant tactician that he laid out plans that contained so many levels of depth that their outcomes sometimes wouldn’t take place for months, perhaps years. He was unbelievable.

I think he was getting used to me too. Whatever insult or remark I said to him he either brushed it off or came back with a clever quip of his own.

I was still fairly new to the Survey corps, but I was unrivaled. My name was buzzing around the capital, and I was known as a weapon of mass destruction that could wipe out any titan, scouted out by the one and only brilliant Commander Erwin Smith.

Tch. 

Even though I was damn good, I didn’t have a team of my own. It was about time, and I hounded him about it for weeks, but he always made some convenient excuse to avoid my request:

“We’ll discuss it later.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“I’ll run it by Chief Zackly when I have the time.”

His time to think was up. So, I confronted him late one night in his quarters. He answered, still awake in full uniform. Always busy..

“Levi, it’s late. Whatever you have to say can’t wait until morning?”

“No. You’ve been ignoring and avoiding me, so I don’t have a choice but to corner you like a big rat.”

“I haven’t been ignoring you.” He took off his jacket and bolo, “I know what you want, and I can’t give it to you now.”

“Why the hell not? I’m tired of taking orders from those weak captains. A few of them don’t even make it back, but I do. I always do. I should be in the lead. I deserve my own squad.”

“No. You’re still too wet behind the ears.” He simply said.

“I’m ready. I’m different.”

“No, you think you’re different. You aren’t ready. Being in this position means you will be responsible for the lives of many and that takes a big toll on your mental fortitude.”

“Weren’t you the one who told me never to doubt myself and here you are doubting me.” My voice was rising.

“Doubt involves hesitation and uncertainty. I am not uncertain. I am hundred percent indisputably sure of the fact that you are not ready for your own team.”

“I can handle it!”

“Like you handled it with your friends?”

I almost pounced on him. Clearing the space between us fast, I was eye to eye with him, grasping his shirt in my fists.

“You son of a bitch. Don’t you ever bring them up again.” I was seething.

“See what I mean? You’re still thinking with regrets and doubts. They cloud your judgement and could lead you to mistakes and lead your squad into the crushing jaws of a titan.” He was calm and unwavering.

That was another famous attribute about him. He wore the same stoic and cold mask in front of everyone. His calm logical nature was good to have out in the fields when everyone was panicking, but not now when I’m trying to get what I want because now I just look like an irate fool.

But he was right. The guilt over my friends’ deaths still weighed heavy on me. There wasn’t a night that went by when I wasn’t saying sorry while holding Isabel’s head in my hands or clinging to Furlan’s torso.

 _Damn him…_ I thought while staring into his steel blue eyes.

“That may be true, but then tell me this,” I said, “why- why do you let those poor bastards become captains before you let me? Surely, they all have more doubt and regrets than I do. They probably hesitate more than I do. Uncertainty of their lives probably plagues their every waking moment, but this isn’t my first brush with death. The first time some of them saw a titan, they couldn’t get themselves to get back on their horses. I did. So I ask again, why put them before me?”

There it was. It was quick, but I think I saw it.

He blinked with uncertainty.

As quick as it was, it disarmed me so much that I let go of my grip on him.

He stood there, maybe thinking of an answer, but he said nothing for a while. Did I finally crack Erwin Smith’s logic? If I did, I didn’t know the hell how.

Finally, he exhaled a long-exhausted sigh and walked over towards his bed.

“Levi,” He sat down like a tired old geezer and took off his boots, “Stay with me tonight.”

“Huh?”

“Sleep with me tonight.” He continued to remove more clothes until he was in just his pants. “It’s been a tiring day. I could use your companionship.”

I wasn’t sure he was joking or not.

“Right. ‘companionship’” I mocked him, “Is that code for you wanting to fuck me?”

“Yes. It is.”

His outright confession startled me. I hope I wasn’t blushing because it felt like I was.

 “Tch. You’re crazy. Who the hell just asks someone to sleep with them out of the blue?”

“It’s not out the blue for me. I’ve wanted to ask you for a while now.”

“Why?”

“I thought it was obvious.”

“To me, nothing is obvious with you.”

 He casually leaned forward, resting his arms on his legs.

“Humans are delicate beings.” He said, “Our time is limited. If we aren’t eaten by titans, we’re taken out by disease, starvation, or other humans. I could die tomorrow, so I figured I needed to make my move now. Is it clear to you now?”

Now I know I was blushing.

I’d be lying if I said he wasn’t psychically attractive. Who wasn’t attracted to him? The women in the capital pined over him. Men envied him. There were a few times where I commented on how his handsome face made me sick. He just grinned and said thank you. There were times when I knew he was staring at me. So, he finally worked up the nerve to ask me to sleep with him, but I wasn’t gonna let him get it that easily.

“You deny my request to be captain then you stupidly think I’d let you sleep with me afterwards?” I smirked in his face, “You really are a smug fuck. People think you’re some prestigious commander but you’re really just some horny dog.”

He chuckled, “I can’t deny that.”

“Not only are you a dog,” I continued, “You’re useless. You bark commands at your lackies and they get their hands dirty or they’re the ones that get eaten. You’re an executioner. A monster.”

He was unwavering, but I was shaking. All the things I wanted to say to him felt like they were going to rush out of my mouth like puke.

“Every time I look at you, I want to connect my blade to your throat. And one day I will.”

“What else?” He nodded while slowly pulling me forward by my beltloop.

“You’re always going on about the sake of humanity, yet you aren’t human at all. How you can look down on me and call me pathetic for grieving for my friends- you almost met death at my hands that day, you piece of shit. I should have done it too. I should have delivered your head to the doorstep of whatever God those freaks out there worship.”

He pulled me onto his lap. I could feel his hard cock through his pants.

“But I can’t fucking kill you.” I spat, digging my nails into his shoulders, “I have to follow you because now... I'm lost but people need me. It feels good.. It feels good to be needed, and for some reason I need to see whatever it is you’re trying to show me. Whatever it is beyond these walls.”

“Anything else you need to say?” He kissed my neck.

I shuttered, “You really are the devil like they say. The day you get eaten by a titan will be my day of rejoice, and I will  _shit_ on the grave of Commander Erwin Smith. Those badges and ranks don’t mean shit. You’re nothing but a pathetic old pervert just like those creeps in the underground. So, will I have sex with you? Perhaps if you beg me like I made them, I’ll consider it.”

He chuckled with amusement. His hands were roaming under my shirt, and our hard cocks were pressed together through our pants.

 “Please, let me have sex with you tonight.” His tired voice was low and sensual. It still sounded more like a command than a beg but it was fucking hot.

I shouldn’t have agreed. I should have just turned my nose up at him and left.

Yet my shirt came off, then my pants. Next, I was lying on his bed. He was top of me, kissing me everywhere. He focused on my nipples then ran his tongue down the front of my body.

“Wow Levi, you’re hairless.” He commented, stopping at my cock.

“I don’t like body hair. It’s disgusting.”

“I see.” He grabbed my legs and pressed my knees to my chest. My asshole was directly in his face. “You’re hairless everywhere.”

“Hey- what are you doing?”

“I’m tasting you right now.”

Then he proceeded to stick his tongue in my asshole.

“Stop!” I moaned as it slithered in.

I never let anyone do this to me. The thought of someone licking where you shit makes me nauseous.

“I don’t like this! It feels disgusting!”

“Does it really?” He didn’t stop.

“Yes..” I was panting, “It’s dirty.”

It felt so wet and he licked so slow. It was driving me crazy.

“I can’t believe you’re licking such a filthy place.”

“You’re not filthy. You taste amazing. Just relax and enjoy it.”

I groaned pleasurably. I pulled his hair to stop. It felt good, but it also felt gross.

“Erwin stop!” I whined.

“Alright.” He stopped, “You make it sound like I’m punishing you. What happened to all that spunk you had earlier?”

“Don’t look down on me.” I scowled, “You’re the weird one that likes licking where people shit.”

He may have stopped licking, but he replaced his tongue with his long fingers. Him digging around down there wasn’t any better, but I could stand it better than his slimy tongue.

It’s not that I didn’t enjoy sex. It’s the idea of it that grosses me out. A guy is sticking their dirty tool inside one of your dirty holes.

It’s vile.

So sex with him would be no different.

Well..just a little.

Afterwards, he told me to flip over on my knees. He unzipped his pants and his cock sprang out while oozing disgusting juices.

“What’s with you, bastard? Your cock’s already twitching shamelessly.”

“I told you I wanted you for a while now. Now flip over.”

“Tch. I’ve had enough of you bossing me around.” I pushed him away, “You may command out there, but the bed is where I command. Now, _you_ lie back, you pig.”

An amused perverted grin crept across his face.  “Very well. I’m all yours.”

“Damn right.”

I shoved him back and rode him.

His stupid body was so big and muscular. I never knew I could be jealous and turned on at the same time. His cock was thick and every time I rammed down on it, its fat head stretched me wider, reaching deeper.

“This feels amazing. You feel so good Levi.” He groaned, “Dammit.” He put his hands on my hips and thrusted nonstop up into me. It was like riding a horse on rough terrain.

I was sweating profusely and moaning so loud as his horse cock slid deep inside then pulled all the way out. This felt nothing like those old pigs’ cocks from the underground. This sex was wild, and anger was still rushing through me, but he was hitting my spot with every precise thrust. Riding his cock was the best cock I’ve ridden so far.

“Fuck, you piece of shit.” I hissed, “Fuck! Fuck!”

It seemed like my cursing made him thrust harder. His head was thrown back and his eyes closed with both hands gripping my hips, driving his cock home in my ass. My orgasm was quickly welling up inside me.

“You disgusting motherfucker.” I growled, “If you keep thrusting like that.. I’ll- I’ll-”

I couldn’t stop it. I convulsed uncontrollably while my cock released itself all over his chest and abdomen. Some even shot up to his chin.

He didn’t stop thrusting. Even though I just came, he went in harder and harder. The base of his cock was twitching like crazy, and his breaths were getting rugged.

“You fucking bastard!” I yelled from the aching in my now sensitive ass, “Hurry up and cum!”

His abs contracted, and he thrusted his hips all the way up and roared like a beast. I yelled from the force of his orgasming cock being plunged deep into my bowels. He held his hips arched in the air until his long orgasm finished, and my ass felt flooded.

He was out of breath, and so was I.

His greasy cock softened, and I fell off him. My head was swimming like I was drunk. His heart was beating loudly in his chest next to my head.

“I hope you’re satisfied now.” I said.

He took a moment. “Levi,” He finally said, “We aren’t done yet.”

“Huh?”

“I told you.” He grabbed my arms, “I’ve wanted you for a while now. I’m not even close to being done with you.” His face was serious.

After a short while, he was ready to go again. I didn’t think I could go a second time. But he made sure I did. In fact, he wasn’t done with me until sunrise.

He was insatiable.

He fucked me sideways, on my hands and knees, on my back. I cursed him, which made it worse, until my voice gave out. My ass felt like it was turned inside out like a sock, and it was grossly leaking all his thick semen. I couldn’t even close my legs when we were done. I had bite marks all down my chest and shoulders. My balls were drained and his inside me. It was like he needed it the most. Just how backed up was he?

The first stream of sunlight through the window blinded me. I was ready to pass out, but he stood up and started putting his clothes on.

“The hell are you doing?”

“It’s 5am. Time to start the day. Shower and get ready for roll call.” He commanded.

“You bastard…” I cursed him as loud as my sore throat would let me. “I can’t even move!”

“You’ve got 45 minutes.” He put on his boots.

I growled. I’m gonna kill him one day.

“Tell me the truth,” I said, “After fucking me, did you at least reconsider my request to be captain?”

He silently adjusted his bolo tie in the mirror. His face was unreadable.

“I did.” He said flatly, “But my answer is still no.”

I sighed. I was somewhat relieved to hear that.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't feel like writing a lube scene, so use your imagination as lube instead. 
> 
> I'm also practicing writing quick sex scenes without going into too many details while still being arousing. Let me know how I did.  
> -Kono


	4. The Dinner Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi remembers an eventful dinner party at the capital.

 

There were many times where I had no choice but to do what he said. Like when he ordered me to go to those fancy capital parties which were the worst. They were always held at the capital building in a big ass dining hall covered in gaudy decorations and outdated portraits of the king and the royal family, and military leaders. Plus, there was enough food and wine being passed around to feed an entire village for weeks. I hated shaking hands with those filthy people.

At my first dinner party, the higher ups gathered around and marveled at me like a show pony mainly commenting on my size and how a person from the underground should be honored to fight for the sake of humanity. These fat pigs did nothing but talk outta their asses while hiding behind the walls of the capital. They made me sick more than he did. The only thing that kept me from mouthing off to the stuck-up bastards was an icy cold glare coming from his eyes.

Now I just bear through it all.

I noticed he was talking to some dark-haired guy. I didn’t know at the time that this guy was the commander of the military police and an old friend of his.

He called me over and introduced me to the guy. He had a long sunken face with small eyes and stupid half assed lip hair.

“I know who this underground punk is.” The guy huffed, “Are you and the survey corps so desperate for recruits that they even reach out to trash like this?"

I got ready to lay him out but one quick icy glare from Erwin stopped me.

“Nile, Levi is a vital asset to our continuous battle against the titans.” He defended me, “Thanks to him, our expedition success rates have gone up 45 percent more.”

“Is he really that important? Or is he just important to you, personally?” He asked derisively.

“How’s your wife, Nile?” Erwin asked rather coldly, “I hope everything’s still going alright between you two.”

These two men were locked eye to eye, glaring fiercely at each other. I don’t know what the hell was going on between these two, but I didn’t want to be stuck in the middle of it.

Nile was the first one to break eye contact by leering at me. “Have fun being titan food.” He said and walked away.

“The hell was that about?” I asked.

“He’s an old friend.” He replied.

Next, came Commander in Chief Zackly. That was my first time meeting him. He was a stern tired yet conniving looking old man.

“So, this is Levi, the other Ackerman I hear so much about.” He eyed me up and down, “You’re a fine killing machine. You should have a squad of your own.”

“You don’t say..” I looked at Erwin who was observing our conversation while sipping on a glass of wine.

“Most definitely. We’ll see to the paperwork shortly. Keep up the hard work, soldier.” He walked away.

“Bout time. I was wondering if there were any higher ups around here with a brain. And how many times do I have to wear this monkey suit and parade around for these idiots?” I pulled at my tuxedo.

“It’s part of the job,” Erwin said as a matter of fact while adjusting the cuffs of his suit, “And that monkey suit just got you promoted to captain.”

“I’m tired of these fools. I’d rather talk to brainless titans than to these idiots.”

 “It’s almost over. Besides you look nice in your monkey suit. If you behave, I’ll treat you to a banana when we’re done.” He grinned at his own dumb joke.

What a lame ass.

“That wasn’t funny, you shitty eyebrows.”

He didn’t even wait until after the party. He led me to some empty office belonging to some poor bastard who about to have cum stains on his carpet.

He threw me on the desk and quickly started taking off my clothes while his wine flavored tongue invaded my mouth.

“Bastard, I didn’t say you could kiss me.” I argued, but he kept going.

His tongue was so demanding, pushing against mine. Feeling it wiggle around in my mouth was getting me hard. My suit jacket was off, next my shirt, and my pants were pushed around my ankles.

“Why am I the only one getting naked?”

“It’s sexier this way.”

“You get naked too.”

“I will in a minute.”

He didn’t.

 “Stroke my cock for me.” He said and forced my hand into his pants.

Erwin Smith’s cock size was something I don’t think I ever got used to. It was average in length, but its girth was what took the cake. At full hardness, it looked heavy and threatening. Its blood engorged mushroom tip turned dark red and the shaft had throbbing veins running down it. His massive blonde balls always looked full and ready for relief and judging from how thick his cock cream always was, I suppose it was true.

He was kissing and biting my neck while I jerked off the fat head of his sticky tip. I accidently moaned his name and he went crazy.

“Suck it for me, please.” He sounded desperate. That’s how I liked to hear him.

“Fine.” I pushed him off me and got to the floor, “It better be clean, and you better not squirt any of your filthy cum in my mouth.”

“I can’t promise that.”

I had to stretch my mouth wide to fit his cock in. His precum tasted salty and it constantly leaked out. I sucked him hard and fast because I liked watching this big hard-ass commander groan and get weak knees from a simple blow job.

“Your turn.” He said and eagerly switched places with me. He liked sucking my hairless cock and he was good at it. He did it all the time. My size was nothing to be ashamed of but nothing to write home about either. Just average in girth and length.

I sat back against the desk while Erwin leisurely licked my cock, sucked my balls, and sometimes licked my taint.

“You’re a good taint licker Erwin.” I said, “Quite the master.”

“Thanks, but I really want to lick here-” His tongue slid between my ass cheeks and I yelped.

“Don’t! It’s gross!”

“Suit yourself.”

Afterwards, he stood up and started rambling through the desk, “I know he keeps it in here-”

“What are you looking for?”

“Salve.” He found a small jar of it. “What he doesn’t know, won’t hurt him.”

He used that poor man’s salve to lube up my asshole.

He wanted me bent over with my hands on the edge of the desk. Some documents on the desk indicated that this desk belonged to an MP named Nile Dok.

Spiteful bastard. That’s why he chose that room.

Suddenly, his cock slid in my ass so fast that I shrieked loudly, and it left my asshole throbbing.

“Keep your voice down Levi or else people are gonna hear your naughty moans.”

“I-it’s all your fault for thrusting too fast, dumbass.”

He started thrusting upward and unbelievably rough, making his cock slide constantly against my prostate. He had one hand around my neck and the other on my hips.

“Ah…Ah!....AH!” Each of my moans got louder with each increasingly intense thrust. “Ah! Erwin, you bastard!”

“You’re too loud, Levi.” He now had one hand squeezing my neck and the other covering my mouth.

My groans and cries were muffled. My asshole felt like it was being excavated. Some days, sex with him was rough and it seemed like he was actually trying to make me cry. And other days, it was pleasurably gentle. I didn’t care either way.

He commented furiously on how tight and hot my insides felt and how my asshole was starting to fit his cock like a glove. I couldn’t call him a conceited bastard because his hand was still squeezing around my mouth. If someone walked in and saw his hard cock railing me while mine was slinging cock juice everywhere, I think I’d die, but he didn’t seem worried at all.

In an embarrassingly short amount of time later, I shot my wad all across that fucker Nile’s desk. I didn’t even feel bad about it either. That stupid cocksucker deserved to clean up my ‘underground punk’ spunk for being an asshole.  

“I’m cumming.” Erwin growled in my ear, “I’ve been waiting to do this all night.”

“Don’t cum in my ass! I’ll have to clean it up!” I barked through his hand, but he didn’t hear me and proceeded to let loose inside of me. So much of his cum overflowed outta my ass and trickled down my leg.

I was gonna kill him.

 

“Is this party over yet?” I slowly straightened up and fixed my clothes. Then I noticed Erwin tore off one of the top buttons on my shirt.

“Let’s make one more round of the place then we can leave.”

We went back out into the foyer then tried to sneak back into the dining hall.

“What the hell are you two doing out here?” Nile found us.

Being the quick and manipulative thinker he was, he gave an excuse.

“I was giving Levi a private history lesson.” He pointed to the portraits on the walls, “Knowing one’s history is important for the sake of humanity.”

Nile looked and noticed the hickies around my collarbone I couldn't hide.

He bit down on his lip.

“Sake of humanity...I’d wish you’d shut the hell up about that. That’s all you ever cared about.” He turned and walked back towards the dining hall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you all like Erwin's funny joke?  
> I'm the type of person who laughs at their own hilarious jokes. :DDDD


	5. Butt Buddies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi remembers one of the first conversations he had with Hange.

Captain Hange Zoe. One of the smartest yet somehow one of the dumbest women I have ever met. She was reckless but strong. Erwin warned me that she was a bit of an impulsive mess, but a reliable one who can always finish the job. She was something to be admired if she wasn’t such a crazy glasses wearing freak that got all drooly over titans, and since I was a captain now too I’d be dealing with her a lot more.

I was sitting in the mess hall eating dinner when she slinked right beside me along with her assistant.

“I came to have a celebratory lunch with our new captain.”

“Thanks.”

“Nice to finally speak to you Captain Levi.” Her assistant Moblit spoke.

“Has your squad been assigned yet?”

“Tomorrow.”

“It’s exciting, huh?” She cut in with a big grin, “You and the commander seem close since he’s made you captain so quickly. It was the right choice though. With you leading the scouts we could start catching some fine specimens.”

I chewed, “Specimens?”

“That’s right. I’m trying to get the commander to agree to my whims of catching a titan, so I can learn more about them up close. He doesn’t understand how important this discovery can be to our progress. If it were just me asking then I know he’ll deny it, but if _two_ of his captains share the same idea then maybe he’ll consider it, and Mike obviously won’t agree to it.” She scoffed.

“We’re barely able to take them down and you want to try to capture one? You really are batshit crazy.”

“You’re close to the commander maybe you can get him on my side…” Her glasses reflected, and an annoying smile spread across her face. “I see you have bite marks all over you and they’re too small to come from a titan.”

“What are you getting at, four eyes?”

“If you and the commander are butt buddies now then maybe you can use your alluring charms to persuade him to my cause!”

“Captain Hange! T-that’s highly insensitive!” Her assistant yelled.

This bitch…

Even if I was interested in her request, I knew he’d say no. I finished my meal and got up.

“Me and Erwin aren't buddies.” I said and walked away.


	6. Unlocking Clarity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi recalls his first moment of clarity.

When Wall Maria fell, all hell broke loose everywhere. A big chunk of our territory was taken over by titans. More than twenty percent of our population was gone. The survey corps was already seen as inept, but now people were calling for its disband.

Hundred years of peace gone in the blink of an eye.

Too bad.

It seemed like Erwin was just beginning to stop being such a tightwad but that was gone too. After the breech, for months it was just talks of strategies and expeditions. No more fooling around, he told me, as a captain it was time to step up.

So I did.

My new squad was pretty good. I didn’t have to dish out too many orders because they were competent enough to catch on quick. We were the special operations unit also known as ‘Squad Levi” with the top kills. We were the defense and we made sure to keep the deaths of the scouts to a minimum.

It was like this for a long time.

Just business.

Everything was in chaos especially after the second attack on Trost. Morale was dipping in all the recruits and soldiers. People were going a-wall left and right. We were seen as a joke. Even Erwin Smith’s corralling words took no effect.

But he kept looking forward. I still didn’t know what it was. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever see this vision or dream of his.

Then came Eren Yaeger.

This teenager who supposedly turned himself into a titan and plugged up the hole in Trost, but stupidly tried to kill another soldier. People were surprised that a human could turn into a titan.

I wasn’t all that surprised. Everything in this hellhole was becoming so unbelievable even the things that were thought impossible were becoming possible.

Maybe that’s what kept Erwin pushing forward.

I don’t know.

Next came the trial. It was a mess. Watching the Military police and that crazy wall cult almost piss their pants at the sight of some bound up teenager was pathetic. Watching that punk Nile trying to get in our way pissed me off. Were they all really that stupid that they couldn’t see how valuable this kid was? I didn’t trust him either when I heard about him, but I saw value in keeping him alive. Erwin definitely did. He wanted him in the survey corps as soon as possible.

Then the little idiot lost his cool and started mouthing off to everyone and they were about to lose their shit. It was funny.

Spunky kid. Admirable, but stupid.

Then Erwin gave me a look. It was familiar. I remember him giving it to Mike when he first beat the shit outta me. Right then, was when I finally understood why his troops followed his disconcerting methods.

There was a plan in motion. Beforehand he told me he had a plan that would win us Eren, but he didn’t give too many details. He just told me to be ready, and that look was my cue. That look told me to go shut him the hell up by any means.

He really was cruel, but intelligent. Intelligent enough to see that if I roughed up this kid for just a few moments, the sake of survey corps and humanity can progress forward.

That’s why I had to go down there and beat the crap out of a 15-year-old kid.

It was easy.

I didn’t want to stomp him out so badly, but I couldn’t stop. Like how Mike’s beating was towards me, it wasn’t for discipline or control over the kid, it was a necessary display of power.

Also, a quick alternative outlet for my irritation at these stupid pigs and my gnawing sexual frustration.

Eren was mine now. I liked his tenacity, but he whined and yelled too much. Still he sounded so sure of what he wanted. His purpose. His vision. Maybe that’s why I wanted him too. Maybe he could help me get closer to seeing _his_ vision.

Eren was now a tool for the survey corps, and it was my responsibility to keep him from going berserk in his titan form, but I needed him for more than plugging up the walls. He was going to serve as a key to unlocking my clarity, so I would finally be able to stand side by side next to Erwin and see his dream. I’m sure it was just stupid wishful thinking, but it was worth a shot.


	7. The Small Calm Before the Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi remembers a small peaceful moment with Erwin.

It honestly appalled me how dirty that man was. His quarters always looked like crap. Dusty books and papers everywhere, he left a stack of dirty cups and wine glasses on the table, and pieces of his uniform were scattered on the chairs and floor.

It was the afternoon. It was strangely quiet with nothing going on, so I took a trip to his office and let myself in. He was sitting at his desk, which had papers sprawled across it and a coffee cup about to fall off the edge of it, and his eyes were cast down at the work in front of him, but he looked up and his concentrated expression turned into a pleasantly happy one as I slid in the door and shut it behind me. He stopped his work to get up and greet me, but I was too distracted by his mess of an office to return his greeting.

“You’re a pig.” I said. “What kind of grown ass commander can’t keep his room clean?”

“Sometimes I’m so busy I don’t have time to clean.”

“Tch. Shitty excuses.” I walked past him and pushed the tilting coffee cup safely back on the desk, “I think I’ve changed my mind about wanting to bang in here because it’s so gross.”

He watched me pick his stuff off the floor and toss them in a corner.

“You know, I bet you’d look great in a maids’ uniform.” He walked over and wrapped his arms around me from behind. “Perhaps I should get you one.”

“If you ever try to make me wear a maids’ outfit, I’ll shove it up your big nose, bastard.”

“You never let me have any fun.” He whined on my shoulder.

“I let you have too much fun.”

He was a cuddler. When no one else was around all he wanted to do was relax his heavy ass body against mine like I could hold him up. I was struggling to keep him up and he relaxed more against me.

“Get off me.” I said.

“No.”

He pressed his lower half against me.

“Why are you hard already?”

“It’s been a while.”

It really had. It had been maybe two weeks.

“Did you miss me too?” He asked.

“No.”

He laughed, “We’ll see about that.”

He tilted my head to the side, cupped my chin, and kissed me, his lips only softly against mine. The kiss was slow and tongue filled. His other hand roamed up and down my chest under my shirt while he still pushed against me. My knees were buckling as more of his weight pushed down on me.

“Get…off…” I said, struggling between kisses.

It was difficult to kiss him now because his body had me pinned against the desk.

All his weight was now on me, so he kissed the back of my neck and dry humped against my ass like a dog. His palms slid some of the papers on the desk out of the way, and I heard the coffee cup fall to the floor.

“You dumbass.” I said.

I forced him off me then swiveled around to face him and threw my arms around his neck, embracing him in a more forceful kiss with more tongue. With all the chaos that had been going on in the walls, screw it, I didn’t want to hold back anymore. I needed some relief.

“I knew you missed me.”

“Shut up.” I said.

Still tongue locked, I took off his shirt. He took off my pants. I pushed his down and both our cocks were hard and ready. We were out of breath from our kissing but had no plans on stopping for air because we both knew we weren’t going to have another chance like this for a while.

I laid back on his desk and wrapped my legs around his waist. For a few minutes we were just kissing and roughly humping against each other. It felt incredibly good. Then he sucked on my neck then down to my nipples. His lips were busy on my body while his hand was busy around my cock.

“Ah….Erwin..” I hissed. “Plow me..”

Then a knock came on his door.

Dammit.

“Uh, Commander Erwin, sir” the voice behind the door hesitated, “You’ve been summoned by Commander Pixis. He wants you to report to the capital immediately, sir.”

“Understood. Tell him I’ll arrive before the evening.” He lifted off me and pulled his pants back up, stuffing his rager into his pants with some difficulty.

“Wait,” I reached for him. “You’re just going to leave me like this?”

He already had half of his shirt buttoned, and his eyes looked at me as if saying, ‘Sorry, but you know the drill.’

I did know the drill, but I wasn’t about to let him go so easily. He may have been ok with being stuck with a hard-on the size of wall Maria, but I sure as hell wasn’t. When he faced the mirror on the wall next to the door to readjust his shirt and hair, I got up and wrapped my arms around his broad torso.

“You won’t get anything done with this thing wagging between your legs.” I said while fingering the still prominent outline of his hard cock in the front of his pants. “What’s a few more minutes gonna hurt?”

Surprisingly, Erwin Smith didn’t try to stop me with his normal ‘business first, play later’ demeanor. His hands fell to his sides, and he let me free the beast from his pants then I started to jack him off, and I felt him relax in my underhanded grip.

It was still very stiff and swollen, and its tip was slippery with precum. My wrist jerked around the spongy crown because that’s where he was the most sensitive. Then I dragged my fingers down his shaft and gave his balls a mean sharp tug. He grunted, and his body gave out a little.

“You like it, don’t you?” I growled between his shoulder blades then resumed my vigorous hand job. “Say it, you big bastard.”

He squirmed in my grasp. “I like it.”

His cock throbbed in my hand and his hips moved in and out against my pace.

“You wanna cum, huh?” I slapped his firm ass with my other hand. “Tell me.”

“I wanna cum.” He said raggedly, his big body almost lumbering down.

“Then do it yourself. You were about to walk away earlier, leaving me high and dry, you selfish bastard. So make yourself shoot.”

I stopped pumping but left my fist clenched around his cock.

He chuckled. “Levi-”

“Don’t ‘Levi’ me. Do it.”

He grabbed my fist around his and started moving it while thrusting his hips. His smooth shaft slid in and out and the tip of his wet cock popped in and out of the opening of my hand, making sloppy lewd noises. Faster and harder, he pumped and pumped desperately. His shoulders stiffened, and the base of his cock throbbed uncontrollably.

“Ah, crap.” He grunted then his cock twitched like crazy as he shot out all over the mirror in front of him, his milky white cum dripping down the mirror’s surface.

It went for a while. I let go of him before grabbing the handkerchief from his back pocket to wipe my hand. He finished up then rested his forearm against the wall to keep him from falling to the floor.

“You’re pathetic.” I said while walking back to his desk then leaned against it. My cock was so hard that it hurt, and it stood straight out pointing at Erwin. “My turn big fella. You’re not leaving me like this, or I’ll really kill you. On your knees.”

The look in his blue eyes was one of hunger. He obediently came over and got on his knees and wrapped his hand around the hairless base of my cock then took my entire length in his mouth. He always got straight to it, never teasing me which he knew I didn’t like. His lips cinched around it, sucking it firmly, and I couldn’t hold back my moans. I didn’t want to!  

“Yeah, keep sucking.” I groaned over and over while pulling his hair forward and back.

He flattened his wet velvety tongue and licked down my shaft. He sucked my balls, one in his mouth then the other. He bent one of my legs up to gain better access to my taint. Then his tongue quickly slithered between my ass cheeks.

“Quit it!” I pulled his hair to pull him away.

 “You’re not gonna keep this treasure spot from me forever. I will have it.” He laughed but his eyes were serious.

“Just keep sucking, you shiteater. I’m almost there.” I pushed his mouth back on my cock.

Now he started roughly sucking, never letting up on his fast pace and tight suction and kept my hips still as he did all the moving. He was working me over real good, and I grabbed his head with both hands before erupting in his mouth. I thought I would never stop as more and more volleyed out of me. He didn’t flinch or gag when I forced my orgasming cock to the back of his throat. I wasn’t big on swallowing, but he was a hungry dog for it.

I released his hair from my fingers and slumped back against the desk. It felt like a ten-pound weight was lifted off my shoulders. A look of refreshment gleamed in his eyes too, but I looked down and saw that he was already hard again.

“Tch. You just can’t help yourself, can you?”

“I’m sure you’ll take care of it for me when I get back.” He stood, wiping his mouth with a smile then tucked his boner away. He fixed himself up and threw on his coat. “I’ll try to be back before tomorrow night. Clean this mess up for me.” He pointed to the mirror and the puddle of coffee on the floor.”

“Screw you.”

He grabbed a file filled with papers from his desk then kissed me on the lips.

“Love you too.” He grinned then walked out the door.

I just laid back on his desk for a moment in a silent haze.

He was a ridiculous man.

I put my pants back on and started to clean up the spill with his handkerchief. I wasn’t doing anything else in there unless it was clean.


	8. Saving Humanity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi remembers an argument with Erwin.

It was strange. This man known as the Devil Commander never got angry at me. No matter how much I insulted him, he would either have a quip back or just laugh. I think he enjoyed it. Idiot masochist.

He shouted at me in front of the higher ups, but it wasn’t real anger. It just showed that he was keeping his troops in line.

However, there was one time he did genuinely get angry at me.

The expeditions were becoming a lot more dangerous, yet he kept me back from many of them. I had just lost my team. I was pissed, disgusted, hurt, and ready to slaughter any titan that came into my line of sight, yet he said no.

The military had been up our asses because of the stunt with Eren and that female titan. Hell was breaking loose at that very moment with the colossal titan and the armored titan suddenly appearing and snatching Eren and Ymir. This whole ordeal was chaotic.

I needed to be out there, yet he was forcing me to stay behind and guard the wall and babysit the damn military police.

“Why the hell are you holding me back?” I barked at him in his office when he assigned me as a babysitter to a group of grown ass men. “I need to be out there with the rest of you.”

He glanced at me while silently getting ready to go on the mission to save Eren and capture the traitors. He fiddled with the bottom buttons of his shirt.

“Well?!” I shouted.

“No.” He said, “You just lost your squad and almost your life. You need to cool off here.”

“I’m fine now. We lose squads all the time.” I said, but I didn’t mean for it to sound so callous coming out. Plus, I really did feel better. I could move. That was enough.

“Which is why we can’t afford to lose you right now.” He said, now trying to button his middle buttons. “You’re different.”

Perhaps he said that to make me feel better, but it actually pissed me off more.

“What the hell are you saying?”

He didn’t say anything, and his eyes were focused on his top buttons.

He had been acting so stupid and muddled since the mission we got Eren back from the female titan. Very unlike him. It didn’t show to the troops, or the higher ups, but I noticed it clear as day. Nothing he was saying was making any sense. Especially now.

I’m different? Wasn’t he the one in the beginning saying that I only thought I was and that was gonna get me killed? I wasn’t in any doubt. I knew what I had to do. He was the only barrier in my way.

“Answer me.” I demanded.

“There are way too many risks factors in this mission.” He answered finally finished with his shirt. “If the scouts lose you and Eren, we won’t stand a chance. You’re smart enough to know that some lives are more important than others, and you need to stay back.”

I couldn’t control myself. I kicked a pretty good size hole in his office wall.

“That’s a bullshit excuse!” I growled in his face, and he didn’t look amused. “You were the one spouting in the beginning that I’m no different from any of them. My life isn’t any better than theirs and I know that now. There are always ‘risk factors’ for every mission, but I’m not gonna sit here with my thumb in the mouths of those inner wall bastards while our friends are out there risking their lives for this rescue mission! For such a calculating commander, you sure are acting like a batshit loon right now!”

I was ready to walk out. “I’m going out there to save Eren and the others. If I die, I die, but I’m not abandoning my comrades.”

It’s not like I was intending to die on this mission. I just knew that without me too many other people would. He wasn’t gonna keep me from this mission. The only thing on my mind was getting out there and slicing open those traitors and rescuing the scouts.

He grabbed my arm as my foot passed the door’s threshold and twisted me around to face him.

“I gave you a direct order, Corporal Levi Ackerman.” His voice was low and serious, and his blue eyes sharp. “If you disobey my command, I will throw you in jail for insubordination.”

I was stunned for a moment. This wasn’t a show. There were no mucky-mucks around to impress. No clever quip or grin. He was seriously angry.

My anger was normal, expected quite a bit, his not.

This wasn’t his first threat of jail time to me, and those never held any weight either, but I felt in my bones, from the vice grip of his arm, to the dead serious look of fire burning behind his darkening eyes that if I left for this mission, he would personally throw me in the dungeon under the capital right then.

Still, he wasn’t going to stop me.

“At least I can rot in prison knowing I wasn’t sitting around like a coward.” I spat the last word at him and jerked out of his grip.

 “You aren’t going anywhere, Levi.” His voice was rising. “We’re so close to solving the mystery behind the titans. I can feel it. This mission is too dangerous, and too much of our resources and men will be at stake.”

“You aren’t making any sense! If that’s true, then send me out there to back them up.”

“No. You’re too much of a vital weapon for the sake of humanity.”

“So why the hell aren’t I out there saving humanity then?”

He stood silent.

“Answer me, you bastard!”

He shouted. “If you go out there, you _will_ die, and you are not allowed to die before me!”

I stood dumbfounded, processing what he just said.

_You…are not…allowed to die….before me…_

That was what he said loud and clear. I remember it…..embarrassed me.

He also looked embarrassed or maybe it was shame, like he was holding onto a secret that absolutely no one was supposed to know, and he just blabbed his mouth. The sharpness from his eyes faded and he quickly looked as if he were exhausted.

“You’re all that’s left for me to hold onto my humanity.” He said quietly. “As horrible as that sounds against the other soldiers.” He slumped back in a nearby chair and sighed like a tired old man, “We’re so close to the truth. I just know it…..and I don’t care if everyone else is dead, but I want you there with me when we find the truth. And if you die….” He held his head in his hands. “I really am a selfish bastard.”

There was a knot in my throat, and suddenly I felt exhausted too. Looking down at him, I noticed his skin was going paler, and top of his hair was sprouting gray hairs. Things I never noticed before. And the only thing I could feel when I saw him like that was a sense of pity. Not a condescending pity, but a sincere almost heart wrenching pity.

_This poor fool._

I sat next to him on the armrest of his chair.

“Yeah. You are.”


	9. The Phantom Limb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi remembers visiting Erwin after his injury.

“You dumb fuck.” I kept saying over and over. “You big dumb fuck.”

I was on top of him, riding his cock. I told him if he moved a single muscle, I would kill him, and I wasn’t joking.

He complied.

He had no choice. I had his one arm tied to the bed rail. He was unshaven, deathly pale, and his cock wasn’t as big or hard as it normally could get, but it was understandable considering all the blood loss he had. Still, he had felt really good. I put my hands on his chest and leaned over him to lick his bruises and scars.

“Consider this your punishment for being stupid.” I panted.

When they brought him in, passed out, blood everywhere, missing a damn limb, my heart dropped in my stomach.

I remember I kept asking “What the hell happened?” yet no one could give me a straight answer.

It finally happened. I thought. _I finally lost him._

They took him to Trost where a doctor operated on his arm.

But they said he was barely breathing even though he lost a lot of blood. I wasn’t sure they could save him. They did, but he didn’t wake up for two days. I questioned Armin and he gave me his perspective. One minute he was trying to rescue Eren then he saw Erwin’s squad riding up from the side. Then out of nowhere, Erwin was dangling from a titan's mouth then next he sprang up, armless, and cut Eren from Bertholdt’s grip.

I was confused and sick.

Everything hurt.

I thought I would never see those blue eyes look at me again. It was painful. Crippling. Almost as painful as losing all my friends, my squad, my mother, but it felt worse than that. There was panicking fear in this pain. I didn’t want to feel this. I wanted to be numb. People always say that when something horrible happens they always feel numbness. I never feel numbness. Just sickening fear and debilitating misery that I have to push back.

The people around me could sense it. It frightened them, so they stayed away from me. The scouts had been decimated and when I learned that Mike went missing, I felt sadness. I knew he was gone. I knew the scouts were done for, but I couldn’t give them all my grief because I was too focused on Erwin. I couldn’t give my fallen comrades all my sympathy or the remaining ones my strength because I felt like if I didn’t put all my faith into him waking up, it wouldn’t be enough.

_God, I’m a horrible captain._

He was the big brains to all this. He needed to wake up. He couldn’t leave us. He couldn’t leave me yet.

Hange and I were in Ehrmich, sorting out the details of the botched mission and wall cult shit when someone announced that he had opened his eyes.

Next I blinked, and I was in Trost.

He was alive, but barely. And I mean barely.

Hange, I, Commander Pixis, Nile, and the Commander-in-Chief Zackly were by his bedside. He was speaking in weak whispers about what happened.

Chief told him no need to speak about it now, wait until he was recovered, but Erwin insisted on telling them because he didn’t know if he’d wake up again.

For a moment, he glanced at me with round fading blue eyes. It was like a ghost was looking at me. For as long as I had been with the scouts, I was hardened at the sight of carnage, but looking at the bloody stump that was wrapped in bandages almost made me vomit. The pain he must have felt..

We all listened to his voice going in and out as he gave his report about the mission, and his and Armin’s report almost matched. His charge towards the armored titan while leading a swarm of abnormals behind him, and one took his fucking arm off. Then by some stroke of luck, he freed himself and rescued Eren from Reiner and Bertholdt.

His plan was reckless. Suicidal. Fucking stupid.

After he was through, he glanced at me knowing, exactly what I was thinking.

“You big…dumb….stupid…fuck.” I threw my head back and groaned.

“I know.” He replied.

After he reported his mission he went back to sleep until the next day. I stayed by him, watching him lie still, his chest faintly heaving up and down. That stump. I ran my fingers over its bloody bandages and my chest tightened.

This stupid fucking….

He wouldn’t feel any guilt about it. No remorse. The plan worked that’s all that mattered. He wouldn’t care if he lost half his head and balls as long as the plan worked.

I was the only one there when he woke up the next evening. He was breathing better and some, not very much, color returned. He could sit up on his own, and someone had a tray of food ready for him.

“Hey.” He said to me, weakly, but I said nothing.

He eyed the tray of food next to him then reached for it with his missing arm then the look of realization suddenly appeared then disappeared from his face.

“Oh yeah..” His mouth turned up in a faint grin.

I was shaking with rage.

“You’re so stupid.” Was all I could say. “So…so…stupid..”

There was no guilt in his eyes.

Right there, I stripped from my clothes. He didn’t look surprised or express any kind of emotion, but his dick was hardening from under the sheet.

I took out my belt and got on top of him. I tightly restrained his good arm to the rail. It didn’t matter because he couldn’t move too much anyways, but I did it to hurt him.

Then I rode him.

My knees spread, balancing on the balls of my feet, I rode him hard. He got paler as his remaining blood drained down to his cock and his breathing became unsteady. His tied-up fist gently clenched and unclenched with every slam of my ass on his rigid cock, and his head groggily hung down as he just sat and watched where we were connected.

He had always liked fucking with me on top, him ramming up into me, with both hands gripping my hips.

“This is your punishment.” I said. “You aren’t allowed to touch me.”

I moved rough, throwing my head back and moaning so loud. I spread my knees wider and rested my hands back on his knees. My hard cock leaked precum on his bandaged torso. He grunted, maybe with pain or pleasure. I didn’t care. I kept up my rough pace. No matter how much I wanted to cum, I held back and rode him raw for about 30 minutes.

I felt his hips move slightly.

“Don’t move!” I commanded. “You’re not allowed to move or touch me! You big stupid bastard!”

He chuckled to himself. It was a tired and unsmiling one. I almost didn’t hear it.

“It’s funny….." He said, his words coming out in single shallow breaths. "I can….still feel…..you with…..my other hand.”

I thought I was gonna start blubbering. Because I could still feel it too. His strong hand was on my hip, gripping and squeezing. Then it's fist closed around my sensitive cock slowly coaxing me to orgasm. I felt it roam up my chest to tease my nipples, circling and pinching them. Next his fingers found their way into my mouth to dance with my tongue and play in my saliva. It felt so good. I was gonna cum like crazy. "Erwin..you fucking idiot!" I cried out, roughly impaling myself on him, teetering on the verge of my orgasm. 

I was loud in his quarters. The bed squeaked and rocked against the wall, I groaned his name and called him stupid over and over, but I didn’t care who heard us. I wanted everyone to know that I was happy that he came back to me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote Erwin coming back from the mission armless far more dramatic than the series made it. I figured, if you just got your fucking arm chewed off, you're just not gonna be up and running the very next day.  
> So I wrote it to add more...peril I guess. Let me know if it seems reasonably ok.


	10. A Blast from the Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi remembers his showdown with the First Interior squad and their leader.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I the only one who thinks Kenny is daddy? Just a little?

Just when I thought I couldn’t fit any more shit on my plate, he dropped in.

I never thought I would see him again. One day he was there then the next he was gone, and I thought it would stay that way forever. After all those years, he hadn’t changed except for the ugly wrinkles on his still ugly face. He was still quick and spry which was a problem for me, especially since he almost blasted a hole in my head.

To evade him, I landed on a roof and hid behind the chimney.

“Quit hidin’ boy.” He shot and the chimney exploded into pieces. I ducked then rushed him and our weapons clashed. “It’s good to see ya doin’ well. Still short as all hell though.”

“Still ugly and miserable as hell too, Kenny.”

“See them military dogs has taught us both some new tricks.”

 “The Military Police put you up to this?”

The fact that Kenny was working for the MPs was flabbergasting considering his murderous past with them. I figured it meant some serious shit was about to go down, but I didn’t know what it was at the time. Plus, they weren’t taking prisoners either. They wanted the group that was protecting Eren and Historia dead. I had to regroup with them quick before the MPs caught up. But getting away from Kenny was proving to be difficult.

“I never thought I’d see the day that you, of all people, would work for the tightwads at the capital.” I said. “I hope they teach you how to play dead and stay dead.”

“Is that how ya talk to the man who taught ya so many things? Are ya still usin’ em? All of em?” A smug smile crept on his ugly face.

He dislodged from my blades and took aim at my stomach. I leapt back in time before he fired and avoided it, but the powerful blast sent shards of roof tile and shrapnel tearing at the front of my shirt.

He paused then roared with laughter at seeing the purple round bruises on the top of my chest.

“I reckon ya are! See them rumors are true! Ya and that commander are gettin’ fresh with each other. I heard he may have- uh lost a few things in that last mission.” He howled with his head back in hysterical laughter. “I reckon after I lop your head off, I’ll pay that one-armed fucker a visit and finish him off.”

“You piece of shit!” I stormed after him.

Even when I was younger, he always knew how to press my buttons. Now in my 30s, I still haven’t matured enough to ignore his taunts. I don’t think I ever could.

He blocked the swipe of my blade with one cylinder then suddenly two MP goons appeared. One on my left and right.

_Shit._

I launched my maneuvering gear to the left and side swiped around the fucker, slicing up him while doing so, but pretty soon I was surrounded.

They chased me all over, and my body moved like lightning through those narrow streets. I hadn’t maneuvered like that in a long time– since the underground. Instinct set in and I was a wild cat again. I moved faster, saw clearer. Even though I was getting shot at, flying like that felt damn good.

“Whoo! Look at ya go!” He shouted, suddenly appearing from behind me and pointed his gun. I somehow dodged the blast and it blew a hole in the brick wall beside me and blood gushed from my forehead.

The way he fought me, it was just business. For his paycheck. Nothing personal. It didn’t matter if he raised me through my formative years.

A man’s gotta eat.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t the same way. I couldn’t help releasing the repressed hate I had for him, but it wasn’t the time to engage him or the MPs directly. I had to get away.

I saw a small bar straight ahead of me and I had a plan. It only left me a narrow window of escape, but it was better than nothing.

I went flying into the swinging bar doors and ducked behind the counter.

“You might wanna move.” I told the bar owner who was basically pissing his pants.

“Ya ain’t learnt nothin’!” The loud mouth burst in, “What did I drill into your head about not gettin’ cornered like a little rat?”

“I ain’t cornered Kenny.” I said from beneath the bar.

“Get out here, boy! I wanna see that cute little face of yours!”

“You almost blew it off a second ago. No thanks.”

I could see him through the glass bottles on the bar’s back shelf. That’s how I saw the chair come flying. Next, I was drenched in sticky alcohol and covered in shards of glass. Good thing I told the owner to move.

That whole setup was so familiar. Like when he was teaching me how to fight in the underground: He told me to hide, he stalked forward, his boots clicking on the hard ground, almost like a game of deadly hide and seek and if he found me, it was a slice from his blade across the cheek, a kick in the gut, or something else.

Remembering life in the underground and with Kenny brought back a plethora of complicated emotions. Both weren’t easy at all. The only way to deal with the lawless madness of the city was to become lawless. You looked out for only yourself, and fuck everyone else. Down there, you could bear witness to the many disgusting levels of human degradation, and if you wanted to have some type of equilibrium there you either took part in the debauchery or died – and I didn’t want to die. It’s not like you had a choice anyways because the city had a way of sucking your morality dry like a sleazy whore.

That’s what Kenny taught me anyways.

Day to day living with Kenny was unpredictable. Some days he was a chill, tolerable guy. He taught me how to use a knife, fight, and on the rougher nights when I was beaten to a pulp, he brought back dinner. Those days weren’t so bad, but most days he was a selfish ruthless bastard, who used me for his own gain.

“Boy, I tell ya. Seein’ ya move out there brought back some fond memories of when ya were a little boy. Well ya still are little.” He howled like a maniac. “Still, I didn’t think ya’d use my teachings to swipe at giants outside the walls. But I’ll admit I can see why ya joined the Survey Corps. When ya got out of that shitty underground city and ya learned how big the world really was, it blew your little mind, didn’t it? Hell, it blew mine! We made it boy, but now here we are still doin’ what we were doin’ then.”

“And what is that, Kenny?”

I didn’t know what the hell he was prattling on about. He always did like to run his mouth which I let him so I could ready the loaded shotgun tucked under the counter. I knew there was a small chance that the owner would have one.

“Survivin’ hell by any means!” He went on, “Only difference is now we get paid to do it! We both found somethin’ to do for a livin’. That’s why I teamed up with them capital pigs. Ya gotta learn that men need ambitions and hobbies to get us goin’. People in the underground ain’t got those so they waste away. Now, I got a great hobby killin’ all you Survey people and others, and I see ya found yourself a good hobby between that commander’s legs.” He laughed more while getting ready to launch another chair.

“Yeah.” I replied and shut him up by pointing the shotgun back and putting a slug in his chest. I knew it wouldn’t kill him, but it bought me enough time to get the hell out. I burst out the nearest window and fled, mercilessly dicing up all the MPs in my way.

As I fled, I thought about what Kenny had said, and I had to admit that he was kinda right because I was thinking the same thing.  

Nothing had changed.

After all these years I’ve been with the scouts, nothing had changed. I just went from one hell to another. Everything was just looping back around. Repeating. As if I was supposed to be seeing something that I kept missing.

I was still confused. About my life. The titans. The plans of the government. Erwin. Everything! When was shit gonna start making sense? I was sick of walking in darkness. Why? Why was I doing all this shit? When was I gonna find peace?

Then it hit me: Constant confusion. Walking in darkness. The persistent questioning of everything. Never finding peace. Was this how Erwin felt all the time?

Comprehending this empathetic connection felt like I had a revelation _. If I helped him clear away all these obstacles maybe I could finally start to see his dream too or better yet my own. What were my own dreams? What did I want at the end of all of this?_

I didn’t have a solid answer for that, but I felt like I was a step closer.

Then I concluded that Kenny was wrong. The hell that was the underground was corrupted, festering, and unchanging like still water. The people were selfish and thought of their own survival.

This hell was different. This hell was survivable because it was rapidly changing, evolving, because people were making selfless efforts to progress humanity, and it was my selfless duty to protect those people.

They were the reason I was getting closer and closer to seeing Erwin’s vision. The people, my friends, in this fresh hell counted on me. It felt good to be counted on, to be wanted.

They were giving me the perseverance to keep fighting, and they were sacrificing too much of themselves for me to be stupidly ruminating in my own self-consciousness and misery like Kenny. That’s what was different.

If all it took was for me to sacrifice my peace of mind in order to protect the people that relied on me and loved me then I’d do it in a heartbeat, over and over, and I’d be damned if I was gonna let that old shit wipe take any more them away from me.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The ending of this chapter was so damn hard for me to write. Lemme know what you think about it.
> 
> Also, I think Kenny is supposed to be speaking with a Kansai-ben so to translate it to English I wanted to give him an almost American southern accent.


	11. Meaning and Purpose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi remembers a conversation with Erwin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> People argue that the two are not interchangeable. You can have both at the same time or just one without the other.  
> What purpose does this fanfiction serve? Does it have meaning? Both? Or Neither?

He never asked for help. I never offered it. He managed to do almost everything he used to do on his own with the same slow calmness. But when it was time for him to sheer that scraggly mess from around his bruised lip and chin, after they kept him locked up and beat him, I watched him struggle to get ready to shave. Trying to gather the wash basin and fill it with water, mix the shaving cream, and line out his tools.

It was pathetic.

“Sit down.” I said, giving in to this pitiful display. “I’ll do it.”

He looked genuinely surprised by my offer. “You think you can do it right?”

“Tch. I know how to shave. Plus, I see you do it all the time.” I got the bowl and other materials from him and put them on the table. I grabbed the thin retractable razor from the small shaving kit and opened the blade with a flourish. “I can handle it fine.”

I pointed to the chair at the table and he obediently sat. I warmed up a washrag before slapping it on his face and mixed the shaving cream.

“I like a close shave.” He said under the towel and patted his lap.

I removed the towel and spread the shaving cream around his mouth and jaw before I sat on his lap.

His hand was on my ass. It was still weird not to feel both hands.

Slowly I let the thin blade smoothly drag down a small patch of dark brown stubble on his cheek, making sure every hair was gone. Shaving was a relaxing process for me. I never feared cutting myself. I didn’t grow too much hair to begin with but when I shaved my crotch, I was precise and thorough in my work. The only thing I had to focus on was getting rid of the hair. Shaving him was the same. I did it slow and meticulously, seeing every hair and follicle on his face, careful not to nick his porcelain jawline. A little under five minutes, I was already done with his left cheek.

His face had drastically changed since the first time I met him. His blue eyes looked heavy and tired. That was how he seemed those days. Like a tired big dog. He was still bruised, a fading purple color around his eyes and cheekbone from those MP bastards roughing him up. It pissed me off.

 _Careful._ I reminded myself.

I finished his other cheek.

Under his raised chin, his hair grew in different directions. I wonder if that was something only I knew about Erwin Smith.

Well I knew other things…

The blade effortlessly sheered down every hair as I dragged it down the length of his chin. I thought of how his skin was so white and his neck was so open. We humans really are delicate. I could end his life with my hands right now.

I connected the blade to his throat, applying more pressure where his artery lay thick and pumping with his life force waiting to be spilled out all over the wooden floor.

His worn-out blue eyes looked at me as if they read my mind.

_Is this what you want Erwin? To end it all? To leave me? Well, I won’t let you go._

I continued to shave him, following the direction of the hair growth.

“Erwin” I said, cleaning the blade on the towel. “Don’t talk. Just listen unless you want me to slit your throat by accident.”

He didn’t speak and neither did I for a few minutes, but I could tell he was waiting for me to start. I continued sliding the blade down his neck, carefully sheering off every little brown hair.

“Things are the shittiest they’ve ever been. Everything is confusing. Everyone is confused. And honestly, so am I. I’m good at reading the air. I’m good at reading other people. I have a sickening feeling that things are about to blow up in even more ways we can’t imagine.” I paused. “I’ve tried these years to live with no regrets and find something profound in all this hell I’m slicing and dicing through. Find something to cling onto so I don’t lose my sanity while watching everyone I care about get eaten in front of me, or now get killed by other people.”

I wet the blade in the lukewarm water and continued. His slump body underneath me was motionless, except for his hand petting my ass and the bulge in the front of his pants expanding more and more.

“I don’t have a dream or a vision of my own. Other than fighting titans, nothing is keeping me anchored to the cause of the survey corps, so I’ve just been latching onto you and yours. Humanity. Everyone here is fighting for something they want. Revenge. Honor. Freedom. Yet I don’t feel the need to fight for any of those things.”

“You’re basically looking for a purpose.” He said, his larynx bobbing up and down on my blade.

“I told you not to talk, idiot, unless you want your neck sliced open.”

He shut up with a cheeky grin on his face and rubbed my thigh. I wasn’t really looking for an answer to all I was saying, but if I did get one, it wouldn’t hurt.

“But I suppose I am.” I responded. “This whole time, to fight without a purpose. Does that make me a monster?”

His blue eyes blinked and carefully searched around for answer.

“There are two viewpoints to that question.” He answered, speaking as if he were in a room full of soldiers instead of sitting in a small chair in his room with half his face shaved and another guy on his lap. “First,” He said, “You only view yourself as a monster. Everyone else views you as hope, humanity’s strongest weapon. Your actions mean to save others. This whole time you’ve been fighting purposeless, but you’ve been risking your life for your comrades. That definitely doesn’t make you a monster.” He squeezed my ass reassuringly.

“Second viewpoint, if you are a monster, what’s wrong with that? As you’ve witnessed all this time, there are different types of monsters all over the place. The type of monster you are depends on what side you’re fighting for. You’re only a bad monster if you’re not on the right side. So, yes. I think you’re a monster, but not a bad one.”

“That’s still a cold thing to say.”

I was almost done.

“I think this whole time, you may not have been fighting with purpose, but you have been fighting with meaning, and I think that makes you pretty strong, not just physically.” He said. “And to fight without your own cause, because you’re selflessly fighting for other people instead, that’s pretty heroic of you.” He smiled.

“Tch. Don’t make me gag.”

“In fact, I think that really makes you the most dangerous of us all, the one that’ll make it through all of this chaos. That’s why I need you on my side till the end.”

 “Is that the only reason you need me by your side?”

His smile faded a bit.

Thinking back, I suppose that was unfair to say, but hindsight is always easier to see your mistakes.

“I thought it was obvious.” He answered.

“To me, nothing with you is obvious.”

“Well if you don’t understand it by now, I guess you never will.”

He was wrong. I didn’t understand it then, but now, it was all clear.

I finished shaving him, his face was my best work.

“Done.” I said. “Want me to do the back of your hair? I promise I won’t shave you bald.”

“Maybe next time.”

But there wasn’t going to be a next time.

“But maybe you could help me with something else.” He pushed his erection against mine and kissed me.

That time, I didn’t object. No snide remark. No rebuttal. Just me and him together on his bed. Nice and slow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made a bold statement in this chapter, and I really hope Hajime doesn’t prove me wrong. *laugh sob*


	12. Sympathy For the Devil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi remembers one of the hardest decisions of his life.

It was one of the hardest decisions in my life.

My clarity didn’t come from Eren like I planned or from Erwin. It came from the most unlikely source.

I’m not even sure if it’s my own clarity, but I finally-

Finally

Understood Erwin. Too bad it only happened when he was gone. Then again, what could I have done if I understood it when he was alive?

Like Kenny said, everyone is drunk off something that keeps them going.

Erwin was drunk off his vision. Proving his father right. That basement.

The ultimate mission had arrived. We were prepared. We were almost there. We were ready.

He was ready.

Those tired blue eyes were blazing with a fierceness I had never seen before since I first met him.  That’s when I knew, within my core, that that mission would be the last I would ever see him alive. I practically begged him not to go on that mission. I was absolutely ready to chop off both his legs to keep him there, and I wouldn’t feel any remorse. Yet he was adamant like a child.

He revealed his dream to me. This guilty school boy trying to atone for his father’s death by proving him right. It was kinda laughable. Pitiful. All of this. All of those deaths of the scouts, just to prove that his father was right.

It was ridiculously incredible.

This one man did all this just for that. The truth. That’s all he wanted. His purpose was to find the truth.

_When all that was done, what would keep him going?_

I don’t think I was important enough to keep him going. What would he had done after that mission? What if he found what he was looking for or it wasn’t what he was looking for? How would he have been now?

What would he have done after finding it?

Part of me was scared to find out.

It was one of the hardest decisions in my life.

But I wanted to give him the serum more than anything in the world. He sacrificed everything including his desire to witness the moment when the smoke would finally clear and the darkness dissipate, but this kid-

Armin Artlet

Also had a dream. A dream far bigger than some ambiguous concept in a basement.

His dream was tangible.

He wanted to see the ocean, I heard him say once. _What even was that?_

Feel the water. So much salt.

So do I give it to the flame that was about to fizzle out or to the roaring fire that could cross this so called ‘ocean’ and reach to those ‘snowy mountains’ across the world.

_Is that where I’ll find myself? Was that why all this was up to me?_

It was one of the hardest choices in my life.

I couldn’t even call what I felt a sense of loss. It hurt unlike anything I had ever felt to release him, but he was tired all the time. Never stopping for anything.

He didn’t even look like he was in pain when he was lying there. Just sleeping. I wanted him to stay sleeping peacefully. No more hard sacrifices. No more guilt for his father. No more Devil Commander Erwin Smith.

Just go to sleep.

_Erwin you big dumb….you said I couldn’t die before you, but what about me? Are you what I must sacrifice in order to have my own clarity?_

I couldn’t find an answer then and I still don’t have one now.

But I knew what I had to do, make one of the hardest choices of my life, and keep on going.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a hard story to write. 
> 
> Levi has been in the manga almost since the start, he’s a fan favorite, and he appears in ambiguously important places throughout the series yet we still don't know much about him.
> 
> I hear some people argue that he is not an important character, but I think he has a big(ger) role coming up soon. 
> 
> I hope.
> 
> There’s still so much we don’t know about him and his last name and how it relates to…well, everything. 
> 
> That’s why it was kinda hard to write this fan fiction because we never know what he’s thinking, and he doesn’t reveal much. But based on what I know, I tried to make it sound as natural and close to what he would actually say as I possibly could. 
> 
> The whole idea of this fanfiction came from me listening to Motorhead's cover of "Sympathy For the Devil" by The Rolling Stones, and Erwin's character just immediately popped into my head. So that's how this whole fanfiction came to be.  
> If you liked it, let me know. If you didn't like it..............let me know (constructively!) what I could do different next time. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


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